Rebel Page 13

  "She's a lot better looking," he said. That wasn't a lie, either.

  Mary laughed. "This is very interesting. You know, Ed--"

  "Oh my God!" He slapped his forehead. "I totally forgot. My mom told me I have to come home tonight because we're having my grandparents over tomorrow." He turned and rolled over toward the door. Now he was lying. But they didn't have to know that. He was starting to realize that he'd been wrong about this night from the start. It would suck to spend the night here. He wouldn't be able to get any sleep. He'd just lie awake, thinking about Gaia. So tantalizingly close. Forget it. No way. He'd been through enough emotional crap already. "I'm really sorry--"

  "But it's almost one o'clock," Gaia protested. "How are you gonna get home?"

  "There are tons of cabs," he said, grabbing the doorknob. "It'll be no problem. Don't worry." He

  smiled over his shoulder. "You guys have fun, all right?"

  Mary and Gaia glanced at each other.

  "Uh ... all right," Gaia said reluctantly. "But it's not the same without you."

  He smirked. "I'm sure you'll figure out a way to make up for my absence," he said. He turned and headed into the hall. "See you later."

  "Be safe," they called at the same time.

  "You too," he said.

  Amazingly, he felt pretty good as he rolled through the silent, darkened apartment to the front door. Weird. Things really could be worse. He had two good friends. Friends who actually saw past his wheelchair to the person sitting in it. How many people in his situation could say that? And so what if one of them drove him crazy? So what if he would always be in love with her? Being the sidekick wasn't all bad. No.

  The world wasn't perfect, as he well knew. Far from it.

  "SO IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME again," Gaia said with a sigh.

  Demons

  Mary settled in against the opposite end of the couch. "I guess so," she murmured. She was bummed to see Ed go. For the first time in a long while, she felt

  like she'd made a breakthrough with him--like she was actually hanging around with Ed Fargo, her friend . As opposed to the sad guy who'd suffered a terrible accident. As opposed to the guy whom she pitied but wanted to avoid. And she knew that Gaia was to thank for the change. Gaia was so comfortable and easygoing with him that Mary just couldn't help being that way, too. And it wasn't even an act. She honestly hadn't thought of his wheelchair once.

  On the other hand, Ed hated truth or dare. Mary grinned. There was no denying it: The game was a lot more fun when he wasn't around.

  "Does that mean it's your turn?" Gaia asked.

  "Yeah."

  "So?" Gaia turned on her side, propping her head up with her elbow. She smiled. "Truth or dare?"

  "I know if I pick dare, you're gonna make me eat another pint of ice cream or something. So I gotta go with truth."

  Gaia nodded, but her eyes suddenly grew serious. "All right. Truth." She hesitated for a few seconds. "Why do you think you got addicted to coke?"

  Mary blinked. Jesus. That wasn't the question she'd been expecting. It wasn't exactly in the madcap spirit of New Year's Eve fun. Mary had been thinking more along the lines of: Are you a virgin? What's the most disgusting thing you've ever done with a guy? Et cetera, et cetera. Girlie stuff. The kind of stuff you giggled

  about at 1 A.M. , lying in bed with your best friend.

  But then again, if Mary revealed something personal about herself, then Gaia would be more inclined to do the same. Yes. She could use this truth to her advantage. Besides, her therapist had told her that it was a good idea to talk about her drug experiences. The more she articulated her feelings, the more she opened up about her past--the less she would be inclined to keep her emotions bottled up inside her and find an unhealthy outlet for them. Anyway, it might be nice to share this stuff with a friend for once--instead of some concerned-looking, middle-aged woman in a white lab coat.

  "I think there were a lot of different reasons," Mary said, lowering her eyes. "One of them, obviously, was that it felt so good. The first time, I mean. You never get the same buzz you do after the first time." She laughed miserably. "Pretty soon you stop getting any buzz at all. You just need it to feel normal...."

  She swallowed, shaking her head at the sordid images that were beginning to seep back into her mind: doing a clandestine blast in the parking lot of the DMV before her driving test, running off to the bathroom during final exams last spring, sneaking so much at her mother's birthday party that she got a nosebleed ... and all the while justifying the behavior to herself by thinking: I'm just tired today. That's the only reason I'm doing it.

  The problem was, she was tired every day. And the exhaustion never let up.

  "What was it like that first time?" Gaia asked.

  Mary took a deep breath. "It was ... wild. I went to this party with a guy I was dating--Brian Williams. I was a sophomore, and he was a senior. I guess I was kind of in awe of him." She smiled. "My parents hated him."

  "Why?"

  "He smoked. In front of my mom. He had long hair and lousy manners, and he dressed like a rock star. Seriously. The first time he came over here, he was wearing leather pants and this ripped black T-shirt. You could see his belly button though it. Which was pierced, by the way." She laughed again. "I thought he was glamorous."

  "Go on," Gaia gently prodded.

  "Anyway, he took me to this club downtown. I didn't know anyone there. It was all older people, friends of his from outside school. That band Fearless was playing."

  "Really?" Gaia sat up straight. Her expression was strangely intense.

  "Yeah. Why?"

  "I just ... I don't know." She shook her head. "That band just seems to haunt me."

  Mary smirked. "I know what you mean. I'm strangely haunted by men named Chaz. Anyway, I barely heard them. Brian bumped into this friend of his." Her jaw tightened. "Guess who?"

  "Skizz," Gaia whispered.

  "The one and only." Mary closed her eyes and shuddered, feeling very much like she had been magically transported back to that stuffy, dimly lit basement. She could practically smell the smoke and hear the pounding beat of drums; she could see the creamy look of anticipation on Skizz's face.

  "Anyway, he took us into one of the back rooms while the band was playing and got out a little envelope and a little spoon. He offered it to Brian first, then me. I was scared--but curious and excited, too. And I wanted to impress Brian, obviously. Plus it didn't seem like that big a deal. As far as I could tell, it didn't even affect Brian at all. He didn't freak out or anything...."

  Gaia leaned back against the pillows. "But it was a big deal." It was more of a question than a statement.

  Mary opened her eyes again. "It was like I was suddenly transformed into this different person. I felt so cool. Really sexy, too--which was something I'd never felt before. And I thought I was in tune with everything that was happening around me. We went back out and danced, and I met a hundred different people. I wasn't shy or awkward at all." She cringed. "I probably made an ass of myself, but I had no clue."

  Gaia nodded, but she didn't say anything.

  Mary shook her head. It seemed so hard to believe that all the pain and lies and misery of the past year started right there--right at that exact moment. It was

  so random, in a way. What if she'd gotten sick that night and had never gone to the club? What if Skizz hadn't been there? What if she'd refused to go off with him? What if, what if ... there were a thousand variations of the same question. Even when she was at the height of her addiction, she used to drive herself crazy asking herself what if.

  "Needless to say, once that amazing feeling wore off, I went back for more," Mary continued. "All night long. I barely slept. I spent most of the next day crying. I didn't even know why I felt like such shit. But I had a feeling what could make me feel better." She sighed and glanced at Gaia. "I called Brian, and we hooked up with Skizz the very next night."

  "And pretty soon Brian fell out of th
e picture," Gaia murmured. "Right?"

  Mary nodded sadly. It was amazing how Gaia could see so much without having to be told. "I don't even know what happened to him. He just disappeared. You know what the crazy thing is? My parents were really psyched that he was gone. They thought I'd snapped out of a terrible, rebellious phase. They had no idea of the truth."

  "But they do now,"Gaia stated. "That's all that matters."

  "Yeah, but ..." Mary shook her head. She wished she could repeat Gaia's words with the same conviction. But she knew she couldn't. "The problem is, the demons don't go away that easily. They're always right

  there, right around the corner." Her voice fell to a whisper. "When things get bad, I still think about it--"

  "Anytime that happens, call me," Gaia interrupted firmly. "I mean it. I don't care what time it is or where you are or anything. Just call me. I'll come." Her tone softened a little. "I'll come and kick those demons' asses."

  Mary tried to return the smile. Her eyes began to smart. A tight knot grew in her throat. What had she done to deserve a friend like Gaia? How could she ever pay her back?

  Actually ... there might be a way.

  Yes. She could do for Gaia what Gaia had done for her. She could help Gaia confront her own demons. Gaia couldn't go on keeping her entire past a secret. It wasn't healthy. Mary had known all along that something was eating at her friend, slowly destroying her. Everything pointed to it. Her eagerness to fight, her cocky attitude, her reluctance to get close to other people ... they were all symptoms of something tragic, lurking just under the surface. And no matter how much fun she and Gaia had together, Gaia never lost that aura of wistful sadness--as if she were somehow certain that bad times were never far away.

  So it was time for Gaia to tell the truth. And Mary would have to help her.

  But she would have to be crafty. Crafty like Gaia. A simple, straightforward question wouldn't work. Gaia would never answer it. Plus they were still

  playing truth or dare. Mary would have to trick Gaia in the context of the game. Right. She'd have to trick Gaia in the same way Gaia had tricked her that night they'd snuck into Sam Moon's dorm....

  "So I guess it's your turn now, right?" Mary asked.

  Gaia nodded.

  "And you're obviously not gonna pick truth, right?" Gaia nodded again, smiling.

  "Then I dare you to tell me the truth," Mary said. She looked Gaia straight in the eye. "I dare you to tell me why you don't live with your family anymore."

  FOR A MOMENT GAIA WAS FROZEN. Mary was smart. Gaia had known that from the day she'd met her. But she hadn't expected Mary to be so cunning. She hadn't expected Mary to beat her--fair and square, as the cliché went. There was nothing Gaia could do. She couldn't argue her way out of it; she couldn't fight her way out of it. She had to answer the question.

  Fail-safe Point

  It was too bad Mary didn't know how to play chess. She'd be a hell of a chess player.

  This marked one of those few times in Gaia's life that she was very happy to be the freak that she was. Because right now, fearlessness was a good thing. She wasn't afraid of talking about her family history. She wasn't afraid of digging up the past. Objectively, however, she knew it would cause emotional pain that she wasn't equipped to deal with. In a very real sense, it was like staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. She didn't have to feel fear to know that the gun would hurt her.

  But for the first time she also knew that she didn't have to face the pain alone.

  Until now she'd never been able to share the story of her family's demise because there had been nobody with whom to share it. It was that simple. She'd never had close friends. The string of foster families she'd lived with after her mother's death didn't give a rat's ass about anything except the support check from family services.

  She had someone now, though. Somebody who would listen. Somebody who wouldn't judge her. Somebody who had also endured unspeakable suffering and shame--and had emerged stronger on the other side. Gaia owed it to herself to try. And to Mary.

  "I ... uh, it happened five years ago," she whispered.

  Mary nodded.

  The world seemed to melt away. The entire universe shrank to this room, this moment. Gaia stared

  into space, seeing nothing. Her mind was dominated by a vision of driving snow....

  "We used to spend time at this house in the mountains. We kind of lived there on and off," Gaia continued. "Just the three of us--me, my mom, and my dad. My dad worked--" Gaia broke off, clearing her throat. She wondered how much she should reveal about her father's business. Probably as little as possible, for the sake of Mary's safety. Not that Gaia had any concerns that this conversation would ever leave this room. She trusted Mary absolutely. Still, it was always best to be as cautious as possible. "My dad worked for a federal agency."

  "Doing stuff he wasn't allowed to talk about, right?" Mary asked.

  Gaia sighed. "Right." Mary understood perfectly. "So, anyway, the three of us lived in this cute little old house, way out in the boondocks. My mom always loved the country." Gaia swallowed. Her voice grew strained. "She ... ah, she was from Russia originally. She grew up on a farm. Way up in the north. She loved the winters.... It was her favorite time of year." She shook her head, trying to wipe the image of her mother's face from her mind. "Anyway, my mom and dad never talked about my dad's work, although now I know that my mom must have been involved somehow. Or at least she knew everything. I mean, if she didn't know ... she probably would have wondered why my father spent so much time teaching me all these exotic martial arts and forcing me to learn calculus."

  Mary laughed softly. "That makes sense."

  "Yeah." Gaia blinked several times. Again she saw that blanket of driving snow against a starless night sky. She felt like she was floating in a giant tub--and the drain had just been unplugged. She was swirling closer and closer to a dank, black hole. "So ... there we all were, living up in this house ... and--and it was winter, and ..."

  "It's okay," Mary murmured. "It's okay."

  Gaia felt the wetness on her cheeks even before she realized she was crying. But she couldn't stop now. She was going to tell the whole story. Even if it killed her. She'd passed the fail-safe point. There was no turning back.

  "It was night," she choked out. "There was a blizzard. We'd just finished dinner. My dad was setting up the chess table by the living-room window. We always played ..." She sniffed. "We always played chess after dinner. My mom was in the kitchen, cleaning up. I was sitting across from my dad. Just looking out the window. I didn't see anything. Just snow. I didn't hear anything. Not a sound. I didn't ..."

  "It's okay," Mary repeated.

  Gaia squeezed her eyes shut. No. It wasn't okay. It was anything but okay. The words seemed to come from somewhere else, as if Gaia were listening to a recording of herself speak. "There was a noise in the kitchen. A little twang, like the sound of a string being plucked. It was

  nothing. I didn't even think about it. Just a little twang. But my dad got this look in his eye...." The pitch of Gaia's voice rose; the words came faster and faster. "He dove across the table and tackled me. All the chess pieces went flying. I screamed. I heard shooting. My dad was shooting at somebody. It was so loud. I tried to get up, but my dad held me down. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought I could help. I didn't know who was trying to hurt us or why, but I knew I had to save my mom and dad. Then the bullets stopped. My father got up. And--and ..."

  The next thing Gaia knew, she had collapsed into Mary's arms. She was sobbing uncontrollably. Her body shuddered. Her breath came in great heaving gasps. Mary said nothing. She simply held Gaia against her. Her grasp was very tight.

  "I heard the sound of somebody running," Gaia wept. "But the thing I remember most was looking up--just for a second. Looking up, and seeing my dad in the doorway. And he looked at me. He was holding a gun. But his face ... his face; there was nothing there. It was like a mask. Totally blank. His eyes were dead...." She coul
dn't go on.

  "What about your mom?" Mary whispered. "What happened to her?"

  Gaia sniffed again, burying her face against Mary's shoulder. "I knew she'd been in the kitchen when the whole thing started. So I stood up and walked in that

  direction. I didn't see her at first. I thought maybe she was hiding, but ... then I noticed the blood. It was all over the floor, leaving a trail that went behind the counter. When I turned the corner ... she was just lying there. I sat next to her. I just put my head against her cheek and cried. My dad came in a little later, and--I don't know; we just waited. I don't really remember much else. An ambulance came and took us to the hospital. I rode up front. But it was too late. My dad and I just sat there in the waiting room all night, waiting for nothing...."

  Mary squeezed her tightly. "At least he was there for you."

  Gaia struggled to take a breath. She shook her head. "He was there for me. But then he wasn't. When the doctors came out and told us that my mom had died, he didn't say anything. He just sat there, with those same dead eyes. Then he hugged me. It was a weird hug, though. It was like he was pulling me toward him and pushing me away at the same time. Neither of us spoke. And then ... that was it. He got up and walked away. Of course, I thought he'd be back. I waited and waited. But I never saw him again. And I never found out what happened or why he left. After that, I went into foster care--"

  "I'm so sorry," Mary whispered. "I'm so sorry."

  Don't be, Gaia thought. Her body slowly started to relax. It was over. The night was over. The tears still came, and the pain still remained--but now there was

  something else, too. Relief. She never knew how right it would feel to express what had happened, to relive it. For the first time ever, she felt she could get over it. Of course, she knew she would never put it behind her completely--but she felt like she had somehow been set free.

  "Are you okay?" Mary asked.

  Gaia nodded. She leaned back and tried to smile once she managed to compose herself. "What do you say we stop playing truth or dare?"